Post Number 73: Arrivals and Departures

Airport terminals seem to me places suspended in their own reality. The weary woman with her infant; the wonder-eyed kids with backpacks; the disgruntled, underslept consultant in formals; the family with no concept of personal space or volume control; the man, and it’s mostly a man, who thinks the airport is a hotel and the stewards his servants; the doe-eyed couple on their honeymoon, apparent from their body language; All alert at 3 AM, seemingly indifferent to being carried in space around a rotating and revolving planet in a big, metallic box held together by the laws of physics and the ingenuity of humans. The baristas and flight crew offering their smiles at the strangest hours; the immigration officers refusing to, looking beyond you as they speak to you; the security officers moody – at times helpful, other, short tempered; porters walking like they own the place, cutting through queues; the flight crew strutting in pairs or threes, never alone. 

Everytime I enter an airport terminal, two things happen. First, I am reminded of the movie The Terminal. Tom Hanks stranded on an airport terminal, temporarily a denizen of nowhere as his country undergoes a military coup, rendering his passport invalid. Catherine Zeta-Jones running around catching flights, always making time to pick up History books from the bookshop. “I have to go”, “I have to stay”, they remark to each other. In that space when we clear the immigration check but are yet to board the plane, we are all denizens of nowhere. One country says we have left and the other doesn’t know when we will arrive. We all belong to Krakhozia for a while. 

Second, I am reminded of the times I have traveled before. I will be standing in the queue for the check-in or in the boarding lounge or browsing the overpriced books in the bookstore, and my memory will retrieve something from millions of mental threads. Time curls and folds on itself. And like a body in jet lag, I become suspended in time.

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Post Number 72: A Thing or Two on Shifting Houses

I recently moved from my childhood home of over twenty years. Like most plans in life, it was simmering slowly on the stove of possibility. I wasn’t sure if it would even happen. Until it did. 

When you decide to shift, you expect that something as significant would require a magnitude of time and effort proportional to it. But when you start working towards it, there are weeks where nothing happens and days within which everything does. There is a lot of anticipation but little fanfare. The world outside, spinning and revolving around a star, suspended in a swirling galaxy that is surrounded by millions of swirling galaxies, has no way of knowing that with every passing day, within those walls, another world is being taken down, a star, a planet, an atmosphere at a time.

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Post Number 71: The Pathological Quest for Stimulus

It always starts the same way. The hands of time turn and reach the point in the week where capitalism declares me free for two measly days. It doesn’t free me; I’m just freed enough. “There is more than one kind of freedom, Freedom to and freedom from.”, goes a quote from Margaret Atwood’s ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’. I have freedom to exist and do as I please (or so I think) but I’m not free from society’s expectation to exist in a specific way. And then there’s the restlessness, snuggled in-between the two, barely concealed, poking at the surface. It asks, “What are we doing?”. It’s not the existential kind; It’s shallow, looking only at the next 48 hours, demanding a quick fix in an age of instant gratification.

The weekend brings with it an irresistible urge to step out, with an intensity that surprises me. This urge isn’t the whim of a child, one that can be fooled and misled by a stroll in the park and pointing to things. No, it must be satiated with effort. A change of scene. A change of clothes. A cup of coffee, a catch-up, an activity, an event. The whole shebang.

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Post Number 70: As my throat closes up

See the source image
Image Courtesy: Splice Today

This time, instead of melting my emotions in a cauldron of cute animal videos, I decided to write. Like always, I am going to regret ever writing this yet if I never take these rare breaks from my mental block, I might as well stop buying pens and notebooks to write.

It is strange how sadness is often more visceral than happiness. There have been at times, these moments of absolute clarity that seem like a storm’s eye. During this short period, the mental glass has nary a speck of dust or fog on it. If timed well, I have sometimes had my most productive spurts of writing during these moments. I hope, the following will feel like a creation of one such time when I read it in the future. You are welcome to judge it.

Trigger Warning: Not sure if this needs it. If you feel intense imageries of negative emotions affect you, you may want to stay away from this one. My sadness is not for public validation, obviously, but I still feel like I want you to know it. For those who decide to read it, thank you.

As my throat closes up
I recount everything
Parsing through each moment
To see what went wrong
What is happening?
What am I doing here?
Why am I here?

As my stomach twists over itself
I tell myself to be reasonable
It cannot be this dramatic
I am seeing a mountain
Where there is a molehill
And I cannot be the ant
Who sees no difference between the two

I pace through the room
Hands in fists on the side
Every muscle tensed up
Asking, pleading, forcing
Each molecule to loosen up
I am here, this is my space
Reminding myself that I have a choice

My limbs relax
I see yet I don’t
Nothing heard
In the deafening silence
I am empty
I am drained
I am blank.

Post Number 68: Unsettled

Of late I have been regularly wondering if I am doing what I am meant to do with my life. Am I happy? Am I settling in mediocrity? I know what I am doing is not mediocre by any definition and just saying this reeks of privilege that stinks to high heavens. Yet, despite having all the support growing up, the possibility that I may not be fulfilling my “full potential” terrifies me.

We are told to study well and hustle for opportunities so we can stand on our own two feet and support ourselves. I have a job now, I earn enough to support myself, then why do I still feel less than I am? Is it me personally seeking something more in life or is it just the world around my childhood self, telling me that I need to keep doing more?

I wish I could say here that I’ve found the answer but sadly not. I worry that I may never find the answer. I wish I could be like all those Instagram people making their daily self affirmations and popping in new health supplement pills that sponsor them, but I am not. I suspect that they aren’t either, but you will never know watching them. 

I am going to keep it shorter than my already short articles. However, I do want to know if you have ever felt the same and what you tell yourself when you have these thoughts.

Post Number 56 : Not so home, away from home

Before coming to the US, on multiple occasions my family had reminded me not to try replicate my life in India here. I hadn’t really paid much attention to them at the time. It seemed so silly. Of course, I wouldn’t. Between my classes and keeping myself alive everyday, I doubt I would ever have the time to replicate my old home in my soon to be new home. Yes, I was scared of living alone for the first time. I was decidedly not looking forward to cooking because I wasn’t sure if I would survive my cooking. However, the idea of living alone, like an adult and having independent adventures over shone any of those worries. 

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Post Number 53 : Around Europe in 100 Days – Nous Voyageons aux Hollande

A travelogue capturing the experiences of Amsterdam – delays, canals, Red Light district, and fries.

DAY 1

Having explored Brussels and Bruges, we set out early for Netherlands. It was to be a 3-hour journey so we were confident of making it there by noon and were already planning what all we could cover within the day. But if there’s anything we learnt in these 100 days, it’s that plans go down the drain quicker than gelato down our throats. Due to some construction work, all trains to Netherlands were delayed indefinitely. We sat on the station for close to 90 mins as train after train got delayed and/or cancelled. Finally, frustrated, we jumped on a random train to Antwerp just to go somewhere.

Antwerp

The Antwerp Station is an Architectural Beauty

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Post Number 52 : A Case For Re-Reading(And Re-Everything Basically)

An essay exploring the need to re-visit old books, and more.

Today marks a full-circle moment for me as a reader, 6+ years in the making. A sub-conscious itch has been scratched. I’ve re-read ‘The Reluctant Fundamentalist’ by Mohsin Hamid and can now claim not only to have understood it but to have liked it too. But why should you, kind reader of the blog, care? Well, you shouldn’t, to be fair. But I hope you empathize with my sentiment of achievement. Because this book ‘launched’ my ambition of reading diversely, fuelled equally by unbridled curiosity and a bruised ego.

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Courtesy: Amazon.in

22nd March 2014 was my last Board Exam. A rite-of-passage had been…passage-d? I came home in a mental state that was common to me then – happiness at having written the exam, with sudden pangs of panic that I’d made an error, my percentage would drop, no college, no future – the usual overthinking spiral. A string of stress inducing entrance exams were a fortnight away and nearly two years of analyzing sin θ equations, monkeys hanging from pulleys, and seeing how Cyclohexa-1,3,5-triene reacts(that’s benzene, if you recall), were to (hopefully) bear fruit. But that night I put that aside and picked up this book, having refrained from reading for recreation all this while.

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Post Number 51 : Why I stopped writing

I don’t like my writing and I never have. I find it pretentious and lacking any sort of original thought. While I have a sufficiently sized vocabulary, I fail to use it properly. Whether that is due to the incoherent way my mind works or just an inability to accurately express myself, I am not sure. I suspect it is a combination of both.

At this very moment, I have four articles that I have written in the past year, that are collecting dust. None of these articles will see the light of the day. First, I thought their premise was childish, then I thought my writing was severely lacking, and soon I realised they also lack any spark that we look for in all the articles we read. I have been searching for inspiration for a long time but I suppose it has a restraining order against me.

image courtesy – @chikinnagit (Instagram)

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Post Number 50 : Around Europe in 100 Days – Nous Voyageons en Belgique

A travelogue capturing the experience of Belgium – Brussels, Bruges, Beer, and Fries

Still buzzing from the trip to Paris, we rested for a solid 12 hours and decided to leave for Belgium. We had a week off and there was no chance we were going to spend it in Lille. Deepesh had officially joined us and the six of us booked the Airbnb in a rush and boarded the train to Brussels. The bogey we sat in had an overexcited annoying group of men drunk on beer who spent their time (loudly) shouting at each other until they got off and decided to pee on the train tracks in a queue. So much for Swachh Belgium Abhiyaan. I was weaning off my ‘Look! European grasslands!’ phase but I still see pictures of landscapes in my Camera-Roll so we’ll treat that as Work-In-Progress. Read More