Sadness

Post Number 70: As my throat closes up

Posted on by Candid Wallflowers

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Image Courtesy: Splice Today

This time, instead of melting my emotions in a cauldron of cute animal videos, I decided to write. Like always, I am going to regret ever writing this yet if I never take these rare breaks from my mental block, I might as well stop buying pens and notebooks to write.

It is strange how sadness is often more visceral than happiness. There have been at times, these moments of absolute clarity that seem like a storm’s eye. During this short period, the mental glass has nary a speck of dust or fog on it. If timed well, I have sometimes had my most productive spurts of writing during these moments. I hope, the following will feel like a creation of one such time when I read it in the future. You are welcome to judge it.

Trigger Warning: Not sure if this needs it. If you feel intense imageries of negative emotions affect you, you may want to stay away from this one. My sadness is not for public validation, obviously, but I still feel like I want you to know it. For those who decide to read it, thank you.

As my throat closes up
I recount everything
Parsing through each moment
To see what went wrong
What is happening?
What am I doing here?
Why am I here?

As my stomach twists over itself
I tell myself to be reasonable
It cannot be this dramatic
I am seeing a mountain
Where there is a molehill
And I cannot be the ant
Who sees no difference between the two

I pace through the room
Hands in fists on the side
Every muscle tensed up
Asking, pleading, forcing
Each molecule to loosen up
I am here, this is my space
Reminding myself that I have a choice

My limbs relax
I see yet I don’t
Nothing heard
In the deafening silence
I am empty
I am drained
I am blank.

Post Number 33 – On The Brink Of Farewell

Posted on by Candid Wallflowers

The season of farewell is upon us. As we move into our last few weeks of college, the level of nostalgia and happiness is palpable. My Facebook and Instagram feed is already inundated with tons and tons of pictures. Pictures that are a lot more than just the few seconds it took to click them. All of them carry within them stories, laughs, tears, friendships and so much more. They are sacred, in some mysterious way. And we have the luxury today to document each and every one of these moments. But I can’t bring myself to share mine on social media. Come to think of it, I haven’t properly wrapped my head around the idea of what college and college life meant to me. Read More

Post Number 31 : On Sadness and its kinds

Posted on by Candid Wallflowers

Reflecting upon the last few weeks of my epeolatry adventures, I’ve sensed a profoundly universal theme running through the books. Sadness. If asked to define sadness, most of us would spring to the definition of happiness so that we may create contrasts. Would that suffice though? Emphatically not. For in the books that I read, sadness itself was a continuum. In A Little Life, it was unflinching, dark, and encompassing. In The Casual Vacancy, it was an unpleasant presence. In The Bell Jar, it was a looming shadow, following Esther everywhere. In I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, it was deeply entwined with hope. And in The Color Purple, it was slowly receding, giving way to a long-pending and deserving joy for Celie.

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Post Number 25 : For times when it is just not your day

Posted on by Candid Wallflowers

You walk out of the room where the results were announced minutes ago. You’re disappointed to not hear your name be called out. The test had gone well, in your judgement. The company seemed like something where you could have imagined yourself to be. You wouldn’t like to admit it, but secretly, you had already imagined yourself there, in a cubicle of your own, working yourself to a higher position year after year. You snap back to the present, a little shattered, rebuking yourself for thinking too far ahead. Some of your friends have made it through. Some didn’t even make it to this round. You try to understand whether you’re grateful for having made this far or dejected for not going further. You wish your friends luck and walk off silently.

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Post Number 24 : Tear-jerkers – Tears of joy?

Posted on by Candid Wallflowers

The year is 1997 and Titanic has just released. People are rushing to the theaters to watch it, not caring that the movie, just like the real life incident it was based on, would end tragically. If anything, the tear jerking end became one of the most powerful scenes in the movie. People couldn’t stop gushing over it, even if it meant they were also gushing tears while doing it. In fact, the sad finale became such a huge phenomenon, that it actually landed up in the BBC’s list of “Movies that made men cry.”

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