It’s tough being a cricket fan in India. There are so many talented players to keep track of. Obviously, there are a few that you aren’t so fond of. But dare you vocalize that sentiment! There will be ardent supporters of that person at your throat quicker than Hannibal Lector can say ‘Fava beans and Chianti’.

You know what’s tougher though? NOT being a cricket fan. AT ALL. Not even ‘walk past a TV, watch an over and leave’ type viewer. To all those out there, here are some words of wisdom from someone who has no credentials to offer advice. But when has that ever stopped anyone, right?

RULE 1: Thou must be mentally prepared.

You must brace yourself for the storm that’s about to hit you. Over a month of non-stop coverage on online and offline media and in any way human beings communicate. You will be emotionally exhausted by the rampant usage of ‘Beautiful Shot. Sixer. XYZ is Love. ABC ki maar li’. Maar li? I mean, what is up with the frequent use of that phrase? Seriously.

RULE 2: Thou must remain discreet

World Cup season experiences a unique phenomenon when people who haven’t held a bat in their lives end up becoming critics of the degree that would give Harsha Bhogle a complex. If you dare mention you aren’t following the World Cup, people who will duck when asked to define what Duckworth Lewis is, will shoot you condescending looks worse than the neighbourhood aunties when they find out you are not becoming an engineer or doctor.

RULE 3: Thou will have thy patriotism questioned

Your sense of attachment to your country will be questioned. “WHAT? You don’t even watch India’s matches? It’s your own country. That’s sad”. 9 out of 10 times this statement will come from people who wouldn’t be able to tell who the captain of our Kabaddi team is if their life depended on it. You may even muster up the courage to go all ‘Bollywood Hero making a dramatic point by climbing the cafeteria table’ but saner minds will prevail and you will realize it is futile to explain that it’s not that difficult to understand that cricket just doesn’t fascinate you.

RULE 4: Thou must have abundant patience

Periodically, your social profile timeline will flood with updates of a certain team winning, people professing love for their all-time favourite player(whose name they hadn’t heard before the tournament) and people holding Facebook Panchayats contemplating the future of different teams. You will marvel at the alacrity with which your friends will Whatsapp jokes based on the match and ponder where this quickness vanishes when group plans are being made to hang out.

RULE 5: Thou must pick thy words carefully

Let’s presume you are in a social setting where the topic of cricket hasn’t come up. I said, presume, ok? It’s been nearly 10 minutes and you are just beaming ear to ear, seeing your fellows talk about the latest Batman movie or the latest episode of ‘Orange is the New Black’ or any other socially relevant topic. You don’t even realize it, but you mutter ‘Touch Wood’ under your breath. A colleague’s ear catches this utterance and subsequent firing of neurons in his brain makes the connection from wood to Cricket Bat. And suddenly he blurts ‘Did you see the match yesterday?’. You were so close!

RULE 6: Thou must be prepared for ostracism

Your anti-social, rather anti-cricket ways will slowly lead to your exclusion from social outings. Your friends will give you glances worse than the ones that you get when you saddle them with a +4 card when playing UNO. You will suddenly discover all this free time that you never realized you had. Free time that went in discussing pertinent issues such as ‘How strange is that person who sits in the corner of the class and doesn’t talk to anyone’ and ‘What could possibly motivate Sushil Kumar to judge Roadies’. If you are prepared for this, you will realize that in a span of those 40 something days, you can accomplish all your new year resol…… HAHAHAHA. Sorry I couldn’t even complete the sentence myself.

RULE 7: Thou must remain true to thyself

While living through this tumultuous period in your life, you will want to give in to the temptation to fit in with the rest and would eventually succumb. But soon you will realize it is futile. Do you know how I know that? I am sitting with my friends, watching a cricket match. I thought I could do it but it is beyond the realms of my interest. Interestingly though, I started writing this article in the midst of the match only. My friends are giving me angry glares but I can see through their hollow threats. They threatened to smash my head on the keyboard if I don’t stop writng but I don’t see that happ HJGhudaijlscbskc,njabscm bhj,namslk;ACJJBxhjnKLMXCKNSJC.