Dear Chaitanya circa 2014,

It’s 22 March today and you’ve just walked out of your Computer Science board examination. You know it pretty well that you aced it. Your friends share your expression of relief at having just written their last board exam. All this while, it was hyped up to be this Herculean task that only gladiators survived through, but now that you have experienced it for yourself, you realize it was more of a test of your temperament rather than your knowledge. Congratulations, this is one of the biggest Eureka moments you will have in the upcoming years. Henceforth, most of the tests you will encounter whether of an academic or of a personal nature will test more of your attitude and disposition rather than your factual ability to decompress it and deduce a solution.

You’ll go home and start and finish ‘The Reluctant Fundamentalist’ on the same day itself. You’ve been abstaining from reading for a long while but whilst most of your peers will watch movies, sleep or go out and play, you will get back to reading. The one thing you truly missed in the past few months. You won’t understand much of the book for it is slightly beyond your comprehension, given that your world has been Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics for the last 2 years. The disappointment of not grasping the crux of the story will bother you and will ultimately push you to venture outside of the world of thrillers and mysteries you so deeply desire. You will begin a never ending quest to know more about the world you’ve never seen or thought of or heard of, and this will forever motivate you to entertain an alternate perspective. Be thankful for that.

You’ve got a bunch of entrance examinations lined up in a fortnight’s time. You won’t be as nervous as everyone around you expects you to be or as much as they themselves worry for you. Deep down, you know that your heart is not in it and that perhaps, you should have done something else. That acceptance will come with time only. When you will finally take a call on it, you will do it with utmost confidence. But that in itself will require you to persevere and experiment. So, hold on to that nagging gut feeling until it blossoms into conviction. You will be frustrated initially but will come to accept it for what it is.

I know you look upon college as this magical place where you will find answers to everything you seek. I hate to break that to you, but college will be a maze with people running helter skelter with no sense of aim whilst convincing you that you’re running out of time and options. Hear such people but don’t listen to them. Friends, family members and the standard culprit for all things wrong, ‘pop culture’ have led you to put college on a pedestal which is exorbitantly unrealistic. I wish you’d drop such hopes because you’re in for a colossal disappointment. You won’t find a permanent ‘squad’ to be with, you won’t have a sure shot career lined up, you won’t be a party animal and you won’t bond with your professors the way you connected with your school teachers. For every question that you seek an answer to, college life will throw back 5 more questions in response. You will be forced to evaluate everything you know about yourself.

When you will be deeply disappointed because you couldn’t find people you connected with on a level you hoped you would, you would sulk and whine and feel distressed. At that time, your habit of reading will help you more than you could ever have imagined. Initially, you will take to books for escapism but soon you will realize the value of words and creativity that fills every nook and cranny of every book. You had always heard of this therapeutic quality of reading but now you would see and feel it yourself. Your mind will be opened up to so many subjects and fields you hadn’t even given a second thought to. You will fondly become popular within your friends as the constant reader and will be asked upon for book recommendations regularly. I don’t even have to tell you that you would relish this sincerely.

You will make, keep and lose friends. Some will spark an instant connection that will fizzle out eventually, some will be a pleasant presence around you, and some you will take time to grow fond of, but you will eventually. There will be people whom you thought of as being inseparable from you but unfortunately, circumstances will change that opinion. The most unlikely of people will become your closest confidants. You will travel to places with a different group everytime and will come back with the fondest memories and bonds. And of course, there will be people whose love and friendship you never had questions about. And they will still be there. That would offer you solace amongst all the turmoil that will surround you. With every friend that you will make or lose, you will have a deeper understanding of who you are and what you ask of the people around you. Embrace that.

The day you will finally admit you are not fascinated by what you’re doing, you will open yourself to an entirely different world altogether. You would be amazed by the myriad possibilities and feel curious to tread these waters. You will, in due time try so many things that you wouldn’t have imagined it at all. You will finally realize that by closing one door, you haven’t shut yourself off of opportunities but have instead allowed yourself to freely explore.

Most importantly, you will realize that change is the one constant that will accompany you. When you will look back from where you started, you will be astounded by the meanders you took to reach where you are. Your opinions will change and sometimes, more often than you could imagine. That’s not to say you would turn fickle. No. You will simply realize that you need to avoid being dogmatic. I can’t answer much beyond this for this is pretty much everything I have assimilated over the last 3 years. They have flown by in a heartbeat. I know I may have left you more bewildered and puzzled than before. I apologize for doing that. Perhaps we will soon find whatever it is we’re looking for. Maybe we can have this conversation again. I’ll get back to you soon.

Chaitanya, circa 2017