Q: Did you hear that Chelsea doesn’t have a website?

A: They can’t string three “Ws” together. 

 
Q: What does a fine wine and Liverpool have in common?

A: They both spend a lot of time in the cellar, cost too much and are only enjoyed on select occasions. 

If these jokes went past your head like Engineering went past mine, then we’re in the same boat. Fret not if you can’t recall 10 footballers’ names if a gun was pointed to your head. If you too, like me, find football a S-pain in the ass, then Ronaldo-n’t worry, I am here to get you out of this Messi situation. I helped you survive Cricket World Cup season a couple of years ago and now I am back with my totally unneeded, entirely pointless brand of social assistance by using the opportunity of the World Cup to Russi(a)n and Putin as many puns and tasteless jokes as I possibly can.

FIFA World Cup started on 14 June in Russia but the fans’ chattering started bothering me a month before that. It’ll end on 15 July. The fans? Not until the next one. For those whose Chi has been thrown off by the World Cup, you must endure 32 x 24 x 60 x 60 seconds of unbearable vocal, annoying passionate, drunk excited (and I use that term loosely) “fans” who couldn’t tell you which continents Tunisia and Senegal are on, giving expert advice (via Facebook and their TVs) to the athletes on how to juggle, dribble, shoot, score, celebrate, win, handle their wealth, tally their balance sheets, find girlfriends (and/or boyfriends, it’s Pride Month), solve world peace et al.

The only 90 minutes I’ve ever devoted to football is watching “Bend it Like Beckham”. Yet people live and breathe it 24×7. I never see football fans shut up. They keep on having these old, tired, and redundant arguments. You think your girlfriend picks on little details from past arguments? Watch a couple of football clubs fans put the salt-in-the-scab from wounds of incidents gone past, from decades forgotten. I mean, elephants are jealous of their memory. And part of me is amazed. Because these debates go absolutely nowhere! They always end on the same note. No one is convinced that their player/team sucks! Why bother? Give me a good shady Yo-Mama insult to each other and/or some drunken brawl and then we can talk. Everyone knows I love reading. But even I can’t talk about books all the time. I have to take a break to make caustic, off-coloured, bitchy comments about you to my friends. And also to follow Rakhi Sawant on Instagram. I mean, priorities people. Priorities.

 

The most I’ve thought about FIFA is this article. Not even randomly pressing PlayStation console buttons in the hope that something is pressed correctly makes me pay attention to the teams I choose or the players who I deliberately injure. Watching an entire match and then sitting for hours commenting on it afterwards? Neuer gonna happen. The only joy I can think of getting out of the matches is listening to the commentary and thinking out-of-context about players juggling the balls through each other’s legs.

And the social media coverage? All these people, sharing the SAME insights on the SAME match that they are all watching SIMULTANEOUSLY. How do I tell them no one cares for their Salah-baazi? Everyone’s running their own version of InShorts. Why don’t I put them all on mute? Excellent question. The answer – How will I rant then? If I solved an extremely first world problem by the most obvious of solutions, what will I cry about? A guy needs his dose of attention.

And it’s not like I haven’t tried to ignore it all. But it is ever-pervading. Every café, restaurant, club, coffee shop, dhaba, grocery store and what not has it playing all the time. Watching Chotu in the shop cuss out Croatia is a sight in itself though. But I won’t give in. I will carry my crusade against not watching with as equal a vengeance. The chances of me sitting through an entire tournament willingly is lesser than that of *goes to Google*…. Arsenal winning the Premier League. *shrugs with indifference*

But this is all in good humour. Don’t come after me because I came after your favourites. You enjoy FIFA and I’ll enjoy cracking jokes at you. And if you do decide to come for me as a true-blooded football fan, I’ll ask you to name 5 Indian Clubs and 10 International Women Soccer Players and run for my life while you scramble to find names. And if you’re still offended? Oh well, whatever.

---

References

http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/chelseajokes.html

http://www.jokes4us.com/sportsjokes/liverpooljokes.html