This time, instead of melting my emotions in a cauldron of cute animal videos, I decided to write. Like always, I am going to regret ever writing this yet if I never take these rare breaks from my mental block, I might as well stop buying pens and notebooks to write.

It is strange how sadness is often more visceral than happiness. There have been at times, these moments of absolute clarity that seem like a storm’s eye. During this short period, the mental glass has nary a speck of dust or fog on it. If timed well, I have sometimes had my most productive spurts of writing during these moments. I hope, the following will feel like a creation of one such time when I read it in the future. You are welcome to judge it.

Trigger Warning: Not sure if this needs it. If you feel intense imageries of negative emotions affect you, you may want to stay away from this one. My sadness is not for public validation, obviously, but I still feel like I want you to know it. For those who decide to read it, thank you.

As my throat closes up
I recount everything
Parsing through each moment
To see what went wrong
What is happening?
What am I doing here?
Why am I here?

As my stomach twists over itself
I tell myself to be reasonable
It cannot be this dramatic
I am seeing a mountain
Where there is a molehill
And I cannot be the ant
Who sees no difference between the two

I pace through the room
Hands in fists on the side
Every muscle tensed up
Asking, pleading, forcing
Each molecule to loosen up
I am here, this is my space
Reminding myself that I have a choice

My limbs relax
I see yet I don’t
Nothing heard
In the deafening silence
I am empty
I am drained
I am blank.