I sit in front of my laptop screen on a fine Sunday evening, too lazy to study something with utmost concentration and too active to simply lie down and take a nap, hence, prone to one of my periodic bouts of overthinking. And with the backdrop of internship and placement season going on in the college campus, there is one overriding sentiment I am nursing currently. ‘Why isn’t the prospect of getting/not getting an internship not affecting me as much as it is affecting my peers?’

Ever since college started, people have been preoccupied with the idea of landing a dream internship and job and jetting off into a stratospheric career, surrounded by money and luxury and the like. The whole nine yards. And rightfully so. Why shouldn’t one aspire for everything? But all it takes is one little word to bring their galloping horses to a dead halt : ‘Why?’

Why? Why did you take up this stream? Why did you reject the others? Why were you so confident that this was exactly what you wanted? I often ask my friends these very questions. The answers I get are quite different, naturally, with different factors fuelling people in different ways. But every once in a while I catch someone whose tone betrays the words they choose. It’s as if they themselves realize, in that moment, that they aren’t convinced of their own beliefs. My intention to ‘interrogate’ is not to confuse or undermine their confidence. My intention is that if you do indeed find yourself struggling for answers, then don’t put it in the back of your mind and push through the race you’re blindly running. For once in your life, stop running.

Deeply linked to all of these questions is another ‘Why’ that was raised recently. Outside of the geographical and cultural boundaries of the place mentioned in the article, the sad state of affairs reveals universal themes of confusion, conflict, isolation and finally resignation. Even when someone realizes they are not cut out for a particular line of work, they don’t find an outlet to start afresh. They are often pressurized into accepting status quo and categorically told that they are perhaps not trying hard enough, for there is no reason to criticize the state of affairs. The fact that the atmosphere of ruthless competition encompasses them, aggravates their plight. And for those coming from families with poor financial backgrounds, the idea of starting fresh and cultivating the thought of discovering themselves is one they cannot afford both metaphorically and literally.

Here’s another ‘Why’ to add to the list. Why does this bother me as much? That’s because I am the product of the same education system. I recall ‘liking’ a post on Facebook aeons ago that said ‘In India, people become engineers first and then figure out what they want to do’. And after the appropriate amount of ‘LOL’-ing at the post, the irony of finding myself in those same shoes a couple  of years later is not only comical but also worrying. I have been running a race I have no clue why I entered in the first place. In 8^th I was told to prepare for NTSE which entailed studying class 10 concepts, in 9^th there was JSTS, in 11^th I joined a coaching institute that told me to swear off newspapers (Yes, it happened). And amidst all of this, I never got the courage to ask ‘Why?’. I am painfully aware that this situation is not unique to myself and that I am but a mere statistic churned out by our Education system every year.

We are often led to believe that quitting something is inherently wrong, that you are a failure for even entertaining the thought of abandoning some project. It is this very pressure that forces people to continue to pursue things that do not fascinate them in the least. However, no amount of pleasing others around you is worth a compromise on your own peace of mind, particularly when it comes to a decision with lifelong repercussions.

Fortunately, I did end up mustering the courage to finally realize that I was headed towards a career that I would not have enjoyed. And so, for the first time in my life, I asked myself the same questions I now pose to all those around me. I still am hopelessly clueless about where I am headed but atleast I have the answer to the question I posed in the beginning of this article. I don’t worry as much about landing an internship because despite the hefty stipends and the offer of lucrative PPOs that are being offered to my friends, I have no excitement at all at the prospect of doing the things that will eventually lead to those benefits. And so, having dived into the deep end of the waters, I now, find myself asking a different question, ‘If not this, then what?’

I continue to grasp at straws that would fetch me this elusive answer. But I am extremely grateful for atleast acknowledging that there is a problem that needs addressing. And that, itself is a step in the right direction. I have slowed my run to a walk, and there are moments I feel like joining the rush again, but every once in a while, I stand still and observe the commotion around me as people run past me. It is then that I realize that I am no longer in the same race. I am running on my own, for my own self.